On my body.

Before I had my daughter I was a daily scale weigher. Every morning before I got into the shower I stepped on that scale hoping to see the same number as the day before. If it was more my heart would drop. If it were less my heart would soar. At the time I saw nothing wrong with this. I ate very healthy, I worked out, and I indulged in my cravings- I thought I was doing everything right! This pattern stopped during my pregnancy but started up again soon after I gave birth to my daughter Sophie. When she was about 1.5 she began mimicking me. And what do you know- she started stepping onto the scale spouting off random numbers. My heart did not soar- it stopped. I was devastated. Borderline disgusted with myself. How could I not have realized that as her role model, the way I viewed my body would be most likely how she would someday view her own. I began thinking about other ways my actions and body image views may soon have an effect on her impressionable mind.

-Every time I complained to my husband or friends that I ate too much and feel fat,

She heard.

- Every time I looked in the mirror and pulled my skin tighter above my tired eyes,

She saw.

-Each time I turned around and around in a dressing room mirror with a disgusted look on my face because the jeans weren’t fitting to my desire,

She was a witness

When I packed on the make-up or read fashion magazines, when I whined about dark circles or used words like gross, ugly, too big or not good enough,

My daughter was there.

While I may have had (have) my own body issues, I decided, when I saw my perfect baby girl playing on that scale that I would choose to love my body. Just as Jesus loves me, and just as I love my daughter. I promised myself that I would demonstrate with my actions that we are all beautiful. Our bodies are all made differently and each one is uniquely extraordinary. Sophie should never (ever!) worry about those things, especially at this young age. My desire for her is that she loves herself with everything she has. The scale should just be a platform to play on, make-up should be for Halloween, and negative words shouldn’t cross my lips in front of her precious ears. I decided that I would teach her that her body is in fact a temple, to love it, protect it, and stay healthy but not to obsess.

This is how I as a mother, as a woman, learned to love my own body- through the eyes of my daughter.

Our trip away.

 It's amazing what a month of soul-searching will do for my well-being. There was a point there that I felt under water and lifeless- worried I wasn't going to be my "normal" energetic self ever again. A month later and I feel great, positive, HAPPY and motivated. I feel like I am a spokesperson for "It DOES get better!!!" Anyway, proof was on our most recent getaway to Ashland, Oregon. We drove the 7 hours, threw crazy amounts of un-healthy snacks into the back seat for Sophie, took a million photos, went to the park 3x a day and re-energized as a family. 

 I think getting to know my self as a mother-of-two has been imperitive in my health. I kept thinking I would go back to my "normal" self. Well, I'm different and this IS my norm. I'm a little more tired, a little more on edge but much more motivated to take photos, write, share, talk, pray, give, create.

 I'm more of an open-book. I love when friends come to me, sharing their stories and are now closer with me due to that communication. I've found that I'm a missionary, I want to help, to spoil, to pamper. I enjoy with everything I am to make someone else feel loved and valued. I want to share my faith and my heart- and I believe that this person I am now is who I have been trying to become.

 I want to say, if things may be hard for you- kids or not- there are ways to make it better. Can I do something? Can I listen or pray? Please let me know.

 It's an adventure, and we are all discovering what makes us tick. I am so thrilled at where I am today- but it was not always this way. I struggled and acknowledging that helped me get to this point of contentment.

And my babies. They helped as well :)

Creative flow

 One of my outlets is photography. I take photos and I feel a lot of negative energy released. I don't know the first thing about taking photos however. I point and I click. What I do have going for me is obsessive creativity. My mind is constantly in overdrive with ideas. From parties to outings to photo sessions to adventures, I want to do it all.

 I called up a friend the other day, told her what outfits to bring for her daughter and met her at a location near our house. The above scene is what they walked into. An outdoor fairy tea-party in the middle of nowhere.

 The girls had a blast. They used their imagination and we had fun watching them prance around.

 After we spent an hour shooting I felt relaxed yet on fire. I had creative energy running through my veins.

 I returned home in a good mood- ready to take on bedtimes and dinner and any tantrums that I was going to be blessed with

 It's so so important to take an hour and do your thing. Whatever it may be.

Isn't she adorable? 

What is your outlet?

On being vulnerable.

If you were to knock on my door today and walk into my house unannounced you would be surprised.
My daughter would be the first to greet you, so desperate for attention because we haven't left the house all day. She would have red eyes from last nights exhaustion, a runny nose and some tomato soup on her left arm. She would be wearing only pajama pants, the legs too long so the waist is rolled, her hair looking like David Bowie after a wild night of partying. In her hands are plastic, teal tea cups. She holds them, following you around praying someone will sit down and have a tea party with her.
As you walk through the door you may step on a cheerio or a splatter of paint from our 7am art project. You will hear the Disney Channel somewhere in the house, along with a mothers exasperated sigh.
As you go to sit on the couch I walk down the stairs still in my pajamas, hair in a pony tail, makeup-less, eyes empty and alone. I hold a sweet chubby baby in my arms. A baby so loved and doted on that craves cuddles and kisses. I pass him off to you, so he can have a fresh face, someone to smile and coo at him, who takes the time to treat him like the first born was.

I plop down on the couch next to you, caffeine in my hand, and start the complaints.
I tell you about our night, how both kids have the sniffles and didn't sleep. I tell you how I feel bad that Matt has to wake up at 3:30am and I try to keep everyone quiet but they got my insomniatic genes. Once 5:30am rolls around they are both bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to face the day.
I tell you how I lay there, with day four of a killer migraine, not quite sure how to face the day.

At this point Sophie is at your feet pouring water on you from her tea-cups, asking you to please (please!) play with her. I tune her out which is becoming too regular these days. Oh the guilt! I start to tell you about the guilt. I feel it daily. Am I giving her enough love and attention? Am I snuggling my boy the way I did Sophie? Did I feed her enough veggies and tell her how smart she is?

Today the answer is no. I did not love on my kids enough. I used the tv as a babysitter. I anxiously looked forward to nap time and ate a whole lot of chocolate chip cookies. I am guilt-ridden, tired, sad and confused. Will this pass? Is tomorrow going to feel the same? I tell you about calling my Doctor. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist for Monday. I have hope.

Jack is smiling now, he is holding your finger, loving the interaction you are giving him.
Thank you for playing tea-party with my sweet, precious daughter. Thank you for holding my son. Thank you for listening and letting me know I'm not alone.

You pass me back Jack as you get ready to leave. You hug my darling daughter and you reach your hand out to me. You look deep into my eyes and you see it. You see my heart, my soul and the truth. You see the love I have for my family, the fight I am willing to fight, you see how much I want to change and you tell me, "It's all going to be okay"

I shut the door and close my eyes. I take a deep breath and exhale.
I look down at my daughter and she is smiling up at me, pleading with me to sit with her.
I do. And I let go of the guilt for five minutes. I hold my son and I play with my daughter.
And those 5 minutes show me that it really is going to be okay.

Who really has the time?

(excuse the awkward cleavage in this photo) 

"Wow, you must have a lot of extra time to be so crafty"

"If I stayed at home I would take photos like you, I just don't have the time"

"I wish I had the time to do the fun things you do with your kids. I'm just so busy I don't have any extra time to plan it"

Those are statements I hear pretty often- from friends, from family, from strangers...

Apparently I have a lot of extra free time because I like to do crafts, take photos and do other things besides sit at home and watch TV. 

I'm curious though- what makes me have more time than anyone else? 

2 kids, a house to be cleaned, errands to be done, friendships to build, a fabulous (but hardworking 12 hours a day husband) a dog...okay I'm taking this to a place I don't want to. This isn't about what I do, it's supposed to be about how I personally choose to spend my spare time. My oodles of free time, gah.

Here's the thing. When I have an hour of free time- meaning both kids are asleep or Sophie is at pre-school and J is asleep, that is when I can do something for myself. When both kids are awake- I cannot sit on the computer or sew or write. I don't think people understand that. I don't let my kids hang out by themselves- they are my job and I am with them 24/7 unless they are asleep which these days is rare. And yes that means when I pee my daughter is next to me going to the bathroom too. (we are potty training) 

So. That measly hour? I use it to edit photos, or write in a journal, or set up a craft for when Sophie wakes, or research photo shoots so we can do one once Daddy gets home to watch Jack. I choose to do these things with my free time. These things are my passions. I make the time for it. Instead of cooking a huge dinner I pack a picnic and take the family to a field and snap photos. Instead of going out to dinner (we can't afford it anyway) we go to a local fair or free dance class that I've found by researching during my "free time". Other people? They may choose to do something different with their time. And that's great!

But my hobbies and passions are because I make them a priority. They make me a better mom and wife. I cannot go a week without taking photos just as there are people who can't go a week without watching a football game or going for a run, or shopping online or baking cupcakes. Everyone makes something a priority and those are the things you have time for. 

I will always have time for photos and writing, family getaways and outdoor adventures. Let's praise each other! We are in this together- let's support one another and build each other up! No one has time these days- let's help mom's or friends out and give them time to find their passions. It will breath life into you! 

What do YOU make time for?

Oh! How they grow!

 Already they are best-friends. It's like they know they are brother and sister just by the connection of souls. 

 This girl tugs at my heartstrings. She's so dang sweet and so dang sour.

 Hey boy, Hey!

 No I did not buy her new Hunter boots. They are a hand-me-down from a friend. Pretty nice right?

 I bought that toadstool for her first birthday party. (It was a woodland animal/gnome theme) 

Blessings.

Photography Idol

I'm not sure how I found the Chic Critique Forum. It's a pretty cool place for me to creep and gawk at the photography of professionals while learning how to use some of their techniques. Lately I have been referring to myself as a "Momographer" a word I picked up on the internet- and I'd have to say it sums me up nicely. Basically it's a mom who, you know, bought a fancy camera when the baby was born and now feels like a seasoned natural. Wellllll my head is on straight and I'm aware that I'm not anything but a paparazzi for my kids. Someday maybe I will take a class or further my interest but for now I'm relying on my creative eye and passion. Those should count for something no?

Which brings me to Chic Critique. I found them on pinterest and then on facebook. I saw a contest called Photography Idol and thought hey, why not? So I'm entering a photo. Here it is:

The one on the right is mine and the other is her good friend Bode. His mom and I (along with my 2 week old strapped to my chest) snuck onto this field, crossing the highway and getting approached by the police just to snap this photo! It was fun, exhilarating and memorable. Trains, kids, the vintage feel- what's better than that?

Go check out Chic Critique and take a look at the other photos- they are fabulous, but what do I know, I'm just a Momographer ;)